Holding Grudges

by farrah on July 29, 2012 · 5 comments

 

Yesterday was Saturday and as per the usual- we had a million errands to run. No moss grown on these stones. We basically keep the entire day fully loaded as if we dare to laze around the house everything seems to fall apart. On the agenda I had: A quick trip to Target (no really, it was quick),  a pop into the UPS store, haircuts for the boys, the library, and lunch at Firehouse Subs before nap time.

I wasn’t really looking forward to the whole haircut thing because it pretty much is always a scream fest and I just want to get the hell out of there as soon as humanly possible. To my tremendous surprise, on this trip the boys did awesome! I had C on my lap, my husband had L and B just ran around checking back and forth while he waited for his turn. Boys had suckers, Disney Jr. was on the little tv at our station. No tears were shed. When C was finished I got up and put B in the seat. L was still with my husband who was now getting his hair cut and I let C run loose. B also did phenomenal. I wondered what was this magical formula today at the haircut place???

All the while of my celebratory internal high fiving- I was eyeing the suckers. I knew B was seconds from finishing his. C would probably finish before we left- but L. Poor L. He was a drooly mess with his BLUE (of course his had to be blue) sucker- all goo and drool dripping everywhere. I knew I was going to have to confiscate that before we got into the car.

As we started to leave, I waited until the last possible moment to wrench it out of his clutching hand. He screamed. He kicked. He wailed.

L in happier times (Thursday at the dentist)

Into the car we went- he throwing a fit all the way. Flailing at the injustice of the world all the way to the library. When we got out of the car- I elected to bring him into the building and he wanted nothing to do with me. I took C by the hand  instead.

All day he avoided me. He didn’t sit with me in the kiddie pool that afternoon. He didn’t sob for me at the gate while I made dinner. He wouldn’t hug or snuggle with me like he did countless times a day. There was no goodnight air kiss with a dramatic ‘muah!’.

It wasn’t until I went to calm them down at bedtime that I *think* he forgave me. He was angry and not ready to go to bed- banging on the door- but I went in, sat on the floor and opened my arms. He just kept crying and saying ‘No.NoNoNoNONO!’. He’s never given me that reaction before and that’s when it clicked. He was still mad. He was holding a grudge.

I put my face in my hands and started to fake cry. I wailed that I was sad that Bubba was mad at me, and he didn’t like that. He stopped crying and tried to get me to lift my face. I asked him to please hug me- and said I was sorry about today. Please don’t be mad.

He stopped crying, hugged me and released a large sigh of relief. He let me toss his blankets in his bed, followed them in and he watched me lay down on the floor. He gave me one last glance to make sure that I was still there and was out within minutes.

I don’t remember B then or now EVER getting angry at me like that- especially not at 21 months old and holding a grudge for an entire day! Whoo boy. I can see it’s going to be like that with him, huh? He’s the ‘me’ I always worried about.

{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

1 AnnMarie July 29, 2012 at 5:15 pm

My oldest daughter was and still is a grudge holder. I went away for two days when she was 18 months old and when I came back, she wouldn’t hug me or look at me for a full day. It broke my heart but made me realize, I passed down the “hold a grudge” gene. I’m glad he finally forgave you and love the pic of him in happier times.

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2 farrah July 30, 2012 at 12:08 am

Thanks! I never realized they felt like this before- I felt very guilty knowing that I had upset him so much- which he didn’t understand the ‘why’ I did what I did. 18 months! Wow- good luck to us both 🙂

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3 Shannon July 30, 2012 at 11:52 am

Isn’t it funny how you get the one who is the ‘you’ that you always worried about? My daughter doesn’t hold grudges, but she is a mini me, and it is terrifying. May the force be with us 😉

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4 Kate July 30, 2012 at 2:37 pm

I now have two like me… With strong constitutions and wills that hold tightly to the knowledge that they are truly their own individuals. It can be hard helping that type of personality thrive, when it’s basically a mirror being held in your face, but it’s what they teach us in the end about them and about ourselves that makes the wicked, wild journey amazing!

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5 Leanne Strong November 27, 2016 at 10:22 am

If I were you, I would let him decide whether or not he wants to forgive you. Part of the reason he holds grudges might be because he is thinking, “well, if I forgive her/him, s/he will not learn the lesson I want him/her to learn.”

I have Asperger Syndrome (milder Autism), and I used to hold grudges. I used to hold grudges against people for infractions as little as not saying please when asking for something, or thank you when someone gives you something, or does something for you. Or not apologizing if you have hurt someone or something. I would have preferred if my parents had let me know that they knew it was my choice whether or not to forgive those people, rather than acting like they thought it should be their choice. I’m not sure if your child is on the Autism Spectrum, but a lot of people on the spectrum have a very rigid (or concrete, black and white, whatever you want to call it) understanding of how things should be.

One time, when I was jumping on the trampoline at my family’s greenhouse business in Upstate New York, our dog, Goldie (a golden retriever) ran over and picked my sandal up off the ground, and ran away with it. I was about 12 or 13 (and you know how impulsive kids that age can be) at the time (it was the summer before 8th grade), and she was just a puppy (just over a year old). I finally got my sandal back, but then I started harming her (I realize now that I shouldn’t have done that). I was pulling her ears, squeezing her muzzle, and I think I may have also hit her. She yiped, and one of our employees ran over and yelled at me for it. I held a grudge against this employee for several months after that incident. I did everything I could not to talk to her.

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