I have nothing but absolute admiration for the Dutch people we have encountered since living here. In the past (almost) three months I have been impressed with every single person that I have met from the grocery delivery guy to the city worker raking leaves. Nowhere have I seen the glazed, deer in headlights look from someone in my way while out shopping. Not a single person has bogged me down with their ineptitude or bad attitude. If anything, wherever I go I am the closest thing to a disaster or an annoyance. The Dutch are infuriatingly efficient, polite and dare I say most perfect group of people I have ever met as a whole.
The issue here, of course- is dragging my children into the mix. Sure I am ok with not being seen as perfect or even well put together- heck, that’s the story of my life. What makes me feel weird is that my children are looked upon quite frequently with shock and amazement. It’s not the same as that childless person at Target giving you the evil eye because your kid is demanding M&Ms at the checkout… it’s a feeling I truly feel similar to disbelief. Like more ’WHAT ON EARTH?!!’ than‘OMG lady. Control your kids’.
They’re boys. They are YOUNG boys at that- and although we work very hard on manners, inside voices & etc we are no match for the overall reserve of these Dutch children. I haven’t seen any sort of unbecoming behavior from any of these kids at school, the store or just walking around town. Where we have had our typical quota of meltdowns per week- I try time and time again to figure out what the heck these Dutch people are doing to have such well-behaved children!
Just a snippet from daily life. Pretty standard, no? I mean- this to me seems pretty normal!
You think I’m exaggerating how kids behave here. At first I sort of thought I was imagining things- like why were the kids never loud, boisterous, or getting a reprimand from anyone? Truth is- their behavior just didn’t grant one. No one was freaking out at the market except my Linc for not being able to push the kid cart (–Sidenote- that tantrum was EPIC and I was so embarrassed that day I can’t believe I even go back to that store-).
I mentioned to my friend (who is married to a local and from Michigan herself) my ponderings. She assured me that I was not imagining things- kids here really were just more reserved. I told her how our first few weeks at school one of the teachers would tell me every.single.day that my boys were the only ones who wouldn’t sit and listen at story time.
“They just don’t want to listen when we are in the group. They wander around and want to play” she said. At first I thought she was kidding because what 2 and 3 year olds do you know quietly sit still for a complete story time? I’ve been to the Barnes and Noble story time. My kids aren’t freaks.
To be honest, I saw nothing surprising or wrong here until I realized that NO ONE ELSE did this. B went to a montessouri-type school for a year or so before we came here. They were encouraged to flit about the room and engage in different areas. Child/student led. Of course they have to move around the room. Was he taking his previous learning habits to his new school? If so what was the excuse of his brothers? Were they just following his example?
I don’t get it other than chalking it up to cultural difference. I like it here enough to not feel like we are unwelcome or being ‘shamed’ by our, eh, tendency to be a little on the ‘loud’ side. But it’s strange. Kind of like we’re in that dream where everyone is dressed but you or everyone is going somewhere in a hurry and you have no idea what you’re missing.
Just part of the learning process I’m sure, but I still want to know their secret.
How do you think they do it? Have any insight to share?
{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
In Poland, we are also freaks. But mostly for speaking English. At volume 1 billion.
Here, kids don’t get reprimanded much either. The difference is they should be. It seems ‘boys will be boys’ is highly encouraged here. The boys are way rougher than my 2, and that’s saying a lot. No parent steps in when a kid wanders over to our table in a restaurant and starts touching the toys my boys are playing with. Strange.
Very interesting. I don’t know if I should laugh or cry at being the ‘ill behaved’ of the group. I mean, we never were before- so this is a new stigma for us!
I find it’s the same here in Germany – I seem to be the only one shouting down the road after wayward children – who carry on without a backward glance – it’s not that they’re bably behaved, overly boisterous etc – just that the German children of a similar age seem more compliant…..
My friend is an expat in Germany as well and she said the same thing! Goodness. What are they doing over here and how has this been kept secret?!
Fascinating….when you find out the secret to how they get their kids to behave in public…let me know
Honestly- my gut is telling me this is just their way of life. Children grow up with parents that set this tone and that’s just how it is. I do not see loud, crazy, brass adults here either. It’s quite interesting indeed.
Amazing! That’s a new research project for you and when you figure it out you’ll have to write a book for us Americans. You’ll be rich!
We have hit official two territory over here and I get your embarrassment. I wonder why they are so reserved? Could it be their diet? Something in the air? You have my mind going a mile a minute because if we can somehow calm ours down, that’d be wonderful. Although sometimes her loud, outgoing, ‘I’ll do it myself’ personality is hysterical and I have to admire her because she does already know what she wants in life and doesn’t let anyone mess with her. I think those qualities are hard on parents at this age and probably even more during teenage years, but as an adult entering the real world, I think her personality will come in handy. Especially since here most adults aren’t even reserved. Maybe that’s the problem?
I think your’re onto it. I think it starts with the example of the adults and the children are raised with this environment. Which- erm.. is making me wonder…
This may sound like an odd comparison, but I’ll go with it anyway. Prince William of Wales was raised to be King of the United Kingdom one day. Prince Harry was raised to be the who wouldn’t be King. In camparing the number of scandals each has been involved in, we see the results. Queen Elizabeth II was raised to be Queen whereas her sister, Princess Margaret was raised to the the one who wouldn’t be Queen. The number of scandals each was involved in was, again, the results of one being raised in preparation for responsibilities and duties and the other being raised with few responsibilities or duties. Even when you look at the Obama daughters, you see two girls, raised to be responsible, with duties and obligations, taught respect and expectations of accomplishments as adults. I guess what I’m trying to say is, you have to decide, as a parent, whether you want to raise Orchids, or wild-flowers? One takes a staggering amount of work, whereas the other takes very little work. It depends upon what you are trying to achieve in the end.
Basically all that I am trying to achieve in the end is happy, well adjusted, polite, well mannered, kind, thoughtful and decent young men. Not too much to ask for- right?
Not at all too much to ask for. Would that all parents really cared how their children turn out, so long as they stay out of their hair.
Well, I’ve raised one here and one there (and I wasn’t raised in either). My Dutch born child was way quieter at almost 3 than my current 2.75 year old American born child is. And we recently decided to not all go on a family trip to the UK, for fear that our British family would be horrified at the younger one’s behavior, plus there was no way we would not have been thrown off the plane.
What’s interesting is that in Amsterdam at least, you always hear complaints amongst the non-Dutch Europeans about how the Dutch just let their kids do what they want without any control (the parenting philosophy is to let them develop their own boundaries). Personally I never noticed that, but I heard it all the time.
I think it mainly comes down to the fact that we have so much less space in Europe, so we can’t allow our kids to jump and rum all over the house. And it’s much more common for them to be traveling more often, and be taken on errands every day (most likely on public transportation), and to eat out at places where they don’t provide a kids menu and crayons etc. They’re ‘on display’ much more in Europe, so we teach them how we want them to behave in public much earlier.
Obviously I haven’t remembered any of this with my second child…
Very interesting indeed! We are currently in GA and had a sit brunch with China and another toddler (exactly one year older than ours, at 40 months) who was sitting there and drinking milk out of a ceramic mug, while ours found the French Press on a column nearby and then took to poking / tickling his little neighbor and giggling, wiggling about like a greased piglet. Obviously age aside, it was apparent we were still out of order. Thankfully we ate quickly then got up and played outdoors.
Had similar experience the other day in music together class where Ari was running around (as the norm and expectation in the class) while a mother a gal 6 months older than Ari kept insisting her kid come sit, and gave us the stink air- I want Ari to explore, and have fun. I am amazed at people who Expecttheir kids to sit still and not play, but if I am contributing to his one mindedness that he so strongly exhibits when he morphs into noodle boy when being taken where he does not want to go, screeching all along- then yes, I’d like to be in the loop about how to curtail this!
I think your last paragraph is really onto something. Children here are (from the get go) on board and travel and taken into situations where they are exposed- and used to things to where the newness and excitement might not let them get ahead of themselves. I agree. The more I think about it, the more I agree with you.
I seldom reply twice, but I’m reminded that the United States has a Bill of Rights, and therefore, the people in the the U.S. feel very strongly about their children’s “Rights,” as well. But one thing I have noticed in the U.S., that is different than many European countries is that for some reason, Europeans don’t seem to think that “their” rights supercede those of everyone around them. They realize that their child may have the right to express themself, but when it comes to public areas such as restaurants, stores, public transporation, everyone else has the right to expect to enjoy a meal, or shop or read a newspaper on their way home, without having someone else’s child run amuck, screaming at the top of their lungs or rolling around, thrashing, on the floor while throwing a temper tantrum.
I have never let my kid have a screaming tantrum or run amok in a puli retaurant. I didn’t always have kids and at least have the sensibility to be respectful of those dining or shopping without.
Joy there is a division in parenting in those that can recognize this and those that cannot. It’s sad for the child in my opinion to grow up with adults not taking an active role and the parent that sees nothing wrong with the screaming fit disturbing the public.
Personally- at least where we have been living in the US most recently- the ‘crazy’ children with the tantrums and whatnot ‘running amuck’ are with parents who frankly didn’t give a damn. I saw them on their phones- zoning out- not there mentally but only physically. They were also the first to lash out at the child in a physical way. Rinse, repeat the cycle. Lazy parenting. Sure I get that a kid is going to have a meltdown- we have them! But I also don’t check out on the job which I saw far too often.
This has been a common observation by many, for many years. There was even a book (or it may simply have been an article) written by an American living in Paris and how her Parisian friends’ children were less’in your face’ and needing less toys/adults to entertain the child. She covers the different approaches parents take and tries to conclude as to why there is a difference.
I’m sure there are varying factors and all kids are so different, no matter where they live.
To this day, my husband and I laugh when we reflect on this one experience before kids… We were at our hotel pool in Barbados and there was a British family where the little boy and girl kept saying “please stop splashy us Daddy, please stop” in the cutest, quietest British accent. Meanwhile, on the other end of the pool an American boy was yelling “throw me the f’ing football Dad”. Of course this is not the norm of all American kids, but it was what we witnessed at that one point in time (and I sure someone, somewhere may have witness something opposite of that).
I mean, what an example right there.
No, I’m sure other people have covered it aplenty over the years- I mean, it’s so obvious that I can’t imagine no one noticing.
I’m an American- heart and soul. But at this early point in the exercise I am learning more about myself and ‘my people’ more than I am learning about them!
I never wanted to have kids before I met Chris. My parents and brothers thought I would have dogs. It was because I couldn’t stand being out and seeing kids controlling their parents and all of the adults around them. Children don’t have to sit still but they should be respectful and mindful of other people and their surroundings. I agree with you in one of your comments earlier that too many American parents are too busy to pay attention to their children and their child’s behavior shows just that. I also agree that we all have our bad moments and that emotions need to find a release from time to time. It’s life.
I didn’t either! In fact, it was almost a dealbreaker in my relationship with my husband when we were dating. Of course now the light is on and I get so much of it… and we do have our bad moments- and I do have the philosophy of kids are kids to an extent— but this… this is something different. When you come to the pancake house you’ll see
Farrah, this is so interesting because I have been thinking about this. No matter where I have gone in Europe, this children have seemed better behaved. I have not yet taken my kids overseas. We are planning our first international trips this year and planning for spending a summer in Paris next year. My kids are better when we take them everywhere but expect good behavior. They are better when we tell them that they are starting with our respect and we hope that they can keep up good behavior. We are just starting to realize that the battles we sometimes have here don’t exist to the same degree everywhere and boy do I want that! Being crazy is fine at the right times, but in the super market I would like to think we can all hold it together for 30 minutes. I am going to do more thinking on this but I would love to hear more about this from you!
Brittany I am excited for you guys to get on the road! It goes without saying that I hope we are still here and can connect.
I wonder if the my boys being so young this might make an impression? I’m willing to bet that your kids (being a smidge older than mine) might pick up on the vibe of Europe and you won’t be dealing with a disaster. Kids well traveled seem overall able to deal with situations a little better than those who are not.
One other thing I will say is take a look at the ingredients of any food item on the shelf in Europe. I dare you to find an orange soda that glows like an American Fanta does. You won’t find one, I promise you. I try my best to only give my kids healthy food over here but it’s much harder on our budget than it was in Europe.
OMG we would be a total outcast of a group! WOW! But boy would that be nice to have a kid sit still. I do wonder if those kids know how to be wild and free though. hmm Your analogies were dead on and caused me to literally laugh out loud! LOVE it