We’ve now been here just over two months. I’ve been waiting for it to happen- and to be quite honest I am dreading it. The ‘it’ being that feeling many expats experience once the sparkly newness of being in a new country begins to fade- homesickness. I’ve been dreading this aspect of being an expat much like I dreaded the possibility of postpartum depression when I was pregnant with my boys. Constantly on the alert- I quiz myself- reflect and have come to the conclusion that something must indeed be wrong with me since I am not homesick yet.
We bought this canvas when planning B’s nursery. We love it so much we brought it with us, and now it hangs in the playroom as a reminder of home.
I wasn’t kidding about the postpartum depression paranoia. I have known many moms that experienced it and know that it isn’t a joke. It isn’t something that you can control and your best defense against it is education and support. As I neared the end of my first pregnancy- I reached out to a postpartum doula to be there for me the first couple of weeks once I got home with B. I educated my husband on what it was- and what to look out for. I was ready. I waited. And it never came. Man I was lucky.
I pretty much set up a similar vigil waiting for the clog to drop so to speak, but this time I don’t exactly have the personal coach to get me through. I have read to no end expat blogs and stories about people suffering with homesickness and learned of their trials and at some points depression during their adjustment. What I need to know is- Where are the stories of expats who don’t go through sadness or longing for back home? Am I some kind of icy-veined freak because I am not missing my home country? ( Confession—> I don’t even know what ‘fiscal cliff’ means since we left before if was on the news daily. But this may be one reason I am not missing it.)
I’ve read and reread the different stages and tried to ask myself if I was feeling those things:
1. Honeymoon Stage- sounds about what you think it might be. I don’t know if I really feel like we had this though because I felt so discombobulated without our ‘things’. I think with kids you’re too busy to really sit back and go ‘wow this is so awesomely easy!’. Ha. Right? Besides- from the get-go the boys were all sick. Where’s the fun in that?
2. Culture Shock- Yes the Dutch are very different. But for the most part they speak English. This has got to be huge in that I don’t feel like I live on Mars. People will apologize left and right for their ‘poor English’ when their poor English kicks the crap out of my non-existant Dutch any day of the week. Also the weather is similar to my original home state of Michigan- and even a little warmer. Food is an ordeal, but when isn’t it when you have kids to feed???? Yes, I had my fabric softner and A1 steak sauce shipped here, but for the most part…meh. I don’t feel like we are far away. I wrap myself up in the boys and our crazy life and try to survive the day to day nonsense that we experience.
The drinking age is strange. But I’m not exactly 16 either so it doesn’t really impact my daily life.
3. Initial Adjustment Stage- I wonder if I have been in this stage since the begining. We arrived and had no time to bask in the exotics of the experience. It was adjust-do-or-die. We had the house decorated, a car, a school, a babysitter, cleaning lady and new friends within the first two months. I think these things helped me adjust right away- and OH MY GOD am I thankful. As for the weather- this is something I would love to see improved- but coming from South Carolina I knew from the start that we were spoiled and the amount of sunshine we were used to was a thing of the past. After six years of it though- I think we were ready for a break. You can only live in a place that repeatedly makes you feel guilty for not being outside so much. As for the heat of the summer- I am not even remotely sorry to see that go. So sure- this is the rainiest winter in 150 years, and sure we might see the sun for an hour or so a week- but that’s ok. It’s still above 40 degrees and we only had to deal with snow once. I’ll take that in a heartbeat.
4. Mental Isolation- Maybe motherhood has prepared me for this? We’re used to being isolated, at home with our kids. From what I can see this is really no different- and I seek refuge being with my boys. I never said this made it easy or less emotionally taxing, but it DOES make it familiar. Familiar = comfort.
5. Acceptance and Integration- Not sure what this will be like. I worry that I will spend the next two years not really feeling anything other than being a casual observer from the outside. My hope is that now that the boys are healthy again- we can resume our plans to travel and see more of Europe. I want to learn, appreciate and accept. I want to milk every drop out of this experience and don’t want to come back to the US feeling cheated.
We do lots of this. Life cannot be bad when you have hands like these to hold- no matter where you are.
I’m really curious as to what some of you think. Have you experienced this? At what point do I know I’m ‘safe’? How did you deal? Please link up a blog post if you’ve got one or know of one!
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
I have no experience in this, but I thought this was a really interesting post. Kids do make like soooo much more complicated, but they make some things easier as well. The pics are adorable — as usual! Good luck!
Thanks Shannon. And yeah- kids really make us stronger than we realize too. I think you need to come over here
I of course can’t comment (yet anyway) on the international experience but I can relate to that guilty feeling of living in SC and not being outside all the time! So happy that you guys are all adjusting. It’s great that you aren’t homesick yet!!
Isn’t that funny? I hated the guilt! Now I am pretty proud of myself when we brave the rain because, well, we have to. We’re lucky- I don’t think we would have adjusted so well be it China. The language is a huge help.
Well, we haven’t moved anywhere, but I can tell you that with all the children we have, and their ages, sometimes it’s difficult to wholly focus on other things. We’re so busy that anything really can happen around us and not affect us so greatly because we have to meet our kids’ needs. So, that may be a blessing (and/or a curse). That said, I still think you can be happy anywhere. Are you planning any trips back home during this time?
Right on. Yes, I really think that the sheer enveloping power they have in life really puts so much in perspective. Frankly, my husband has noticed that things seem even a little bit easier here for me, and he’s right. One thing’s for sure- at most we only drive somewhere once a week. That’s ONCE a week to do the in and out mini van dance. …. Not really planning any trips at this point. The flight here was so smooth that I shudder to think what might happen next time. We are, however, more than happy to host visitors- and can let them use our tickets (after a year) if we don’t fly back.
I think having children in tow really reduces the homesickness. Also, being in a country that is not too “different” helps (in my opinion). I think when there is a huge culture change (i.e. Asia), that might be a different story!
I didn’t experience homesickness while living in Europe, but during the last month of living there it felt like the move home couldn’t come soon enough!
I also think no matter how much you see and do, there is always the lingering feeling of ‘being cheated’! We have been to many of the same European cities (before moving there and since moving back to North America), and I always feel like ‘I could have / should have done/seen X’!!! Maybe it’s just me?
No, I bet you’re right. And I wonder what that last month will be like. Sad, I’m sure- but also strange as we will be coming back without a home. Knowing that we do not have a place there is really a big part of what has helped us detach.
I lived as an expat in The Netherlands for a year and a half. For me the homesickness didn’t hit until around six months or so. However, it was never very bad for a lot of the reasons you mentioned. I didn’t mind the weather, I happened to love the food, I adored the culture. I learned the language quickly (out of necessity, the children I cared for did not speak English) but knowing I could fall back on English with any adult made it easier.
In fact, by the end I felt more at home there than I ever have anywhere in the states. I don’t know that you’re ever “safe” from experiencing homesickness. But I wouldn’t fear it either. It’s not a debilitating mental illness like PPD can be. It’s just a longing for the familiar places and faces you left behind. Keep in contact with friends and family back home, make new friends there, explore the area you live and all of Europe. Even if you get a little homesick at some point it will balance out.
I really think that Skype/Facebook/Twitter has REALLY made things seem less isolating. I try to imagine what it was like before all of those technological advancements were made- and I don’t think I would be quite so chipper. That and using Google Chrome to translate my recipes for me
We’ve been in The Hague for 3 1/2 years now, and I’d second what Abigail says. I’d say it’s only been two months and you’re still in the early stages, but the facts that you seem to be a ‘glass half full’ kind of person, have a positive attitude, have kept busy, your kids are so young AND you mentioned making friends quickly bodes extremely well for you.
In our case Husband arrived 6 months before the rest of us; he was busy with work, getting to know his way around and doing some exploring, all of which aided our adjustment. In my family of four I’d say we all went through each stage but at different times and for different durations. Only my middle schooler had what I’d consider a fairly tough time, but that was likely also exacerbated by age/puberty issues as well. The toughest period tended to be at the 4-6 month mark but for us it corresponded with winter so less daylight certainly played into that. (Coming from 5 years in NC, we missed the continual sunlight, too). You’ll find that starting at the end of January, just seeing it get lighter 10 minutes earlier and stay lighter 10 minutes more each day will make all the difference in the world. I never let the weather get to me either, and to be honest, it can be incredibly lovely much of the year.
Homesickness never really was much of an issue for all but the youngest, and now she loves Nederland. I’d say you are off to a fantastic start; well done!
Thank you Linda! Great insight! I agree that the age of the boys has been HUGE. They aren’t intimidated by the language- are completely open to learning, and pretty go with the flow. I love NC by the way- and if I had my way that’s where we’d live once we go back. I’m glad to read that you are having a positive- and real- experience. It is so comforting to talk to others about what this is like and how they are dealing. You’re actually a neighbor (we are near Tilburg) and want to see The Hague at some point.
I have no experience with this either, considering I’ve never left the place I grew up for longer than a two week vacation. I think you are handling it incredible. I think you are used to life home with kids and your blog world allows you to maintain friendships and socialization, so hopefully it won’t set in too much. I love reading about all your new experiences.
I agree Danielle- and it’s people like you that keep me above water. Without support of friends and family I don’t think this would be quite as smooth. I’m glad you enjoy reading- I share the good, the bad and the just plain weird so I hope it remains interesting!
Great post, I haven’t been homesick so far. I’ve been talking a lot about this subject with my husband lately though. I think, to me, culture shock is that I want (and expect) things to go easy by now (5 months abroad). But they don’t. I still have many ‘first times’ to go through (from yearly car check-ups till shoemaker). And here, in general, they DON’T speak English. Ughhhh, that’s hard at times. At this point, just about everything costs me more energy than doing the same things back home. And I agree, having kids is an advantage. Your daily rythem doesn’t change, only your surrounding does.
I’ve come along way, but easy? No, not yet. But fun, exciting, wonderful, positive, energizing and so on? YES! So at this point, that will surely compensate the not-so-easy stuff regarding culture shock!
It’s so great though to meet someone like you- who is familiar with where I am, yet going through your own sense of displacement- to an extent. The language is a huge plus. I really think that things would be much harder had I not the ability to communicate. And with the early illnesses of the boys- I got all of the emergency medical contact logistics out of the way, and with minor emergencies at that. I know which number to press on the auto-answer
I don’t think this will ever be seen as ‘easy’ either. Same can be said for motherhood!
I never experienced homesickness when I moved to Holland, but I moved into a ready made life because I was surrounded by expats, and I could get all my favorite foods and watch all my favorite tv shows (and I was only 21!). Moving here to the US was harder, and I’d say I still miss Holland (my unofficial home!) and it’s been 6 years. Unfortunately my husband doesn’t feel the same way so we won’t be moving back, maybe that’s part of it though for me.
I’ve known hundreds of expats over the years and its usually easy to tell right away who will make it and who won’t. The fact that you are embracing your new life so whole-heartedly is proof that you are on the right path, rather than continuously comparing everything to ‘back home’ or trying to only live the exact same life you had before. Being homesick when you can’t go home sucks, so keep doing what you’re doing and you’ll be fine!
I think some of the things that have been going on in the US in the recent months are making me happy I have some space. I missed the Sandy Hook, Fiscal Cliff, etc. and for my own mental sanity I welcomed the lack of media on my tv.
I only moved to KCMO from Texas, and although I can totally argue that was a move to a different country, it’s not quite the same.
I didn’t become homesick for about a year. I was too in love with my new adventure and my independence from all that had held me close and sheltered for so many years. But once the new wore off and the old seemed so far away, I did have a brief struggle. I hope you are able to avoid that altogether. I think already having your family built when you moved definitely will help.
May I suggest a broken bone to kickstart the homesickness? (Kidding!) I’m glad you’re settling in so well. I had a dream my husband had gotten a 2-year assignment in Prague and was so excited when I woke up. Then I realized it wasn’t real and wanted to jump off the fiscal cliff myself. Enjoy every expat moment!