A Brain Purge: Living Inside My Own Head

by farrah on February 28, 2015 · 1 comment

The beginning of the year is always a bit strange. I find that I don’t have a rhythm, a groove, or a sense of confidence like I seem to feel as the year rolls on. I go through purges of all sorts: material, emotional and interpersonal. It’s strange and yet at the same time the fact that I go through this annually is in itself a sense of comfort. Adding to this I can’t seem to let go of the scare I had with those stupid stairs (believe me, if you’re sick of hearing about them, imagine how I feel) and how easily I could have snapped my neck.

postWatching Big Hero 6 this week. On the couch.

Let the purging begin

Every January I go throughout my Facebook friend list and basically remove people I don’t really know, don’t really know anymore, or don’t have much interaction with at all. Maybe selfishly I see this as an innocent thing- since it can’t be very well noticed if we have a ‘virtual’ relationship as it is. However a person or two that might notice and have their feelings hurt and I am sorry for that. I’m trying to stop ascribing ‘intent’ onto others- since that’s just silly and stupid and let’s face it- not everyone thinks like I do (and thank god for that).

Whatever the case, a lightening of the load seems to free things up a bit for me- and in turn I end up throwing more effort into relationships that I owe more attention- my family, the friends I see regularly, or long time friends I haven’t caught up with in a while. The older I’m getting the more I am thinking: This is my one life. It’s short. Time is my most precious gift and I won’t squander it on people who don’t appreciate it. Others do the same for me. It’s not a crime, but a gift.

Emotional purge

Releasing feelings of worry: where will we end up next, what if this stupid ankle doesn’t heal, etc is my biggest struggle by far.

My friend coming to visit was a perfect reality check. I can get lost in the la la land of living here and forgetting about where I came from which isn’t exactly a good thing. Kelly reminded me of the people who I know and like- people who I grew up with and care about. Feeling detached to everyone and everything back home is actually pretty easy after you’ve been overseas for a while.

In the midst of all this- we had a surprising opportunity present itself recently which would have terminated our assignment here early. This has been on my mind for days as my internal reaction struck me as intense and more upsetting than I realized. I know I’m attached to Oisterwijk and the Netherlands- but I have REALLY latched onto the boys’ school and their friends. They’re so happy. They’re learning so much. Life is small, uncomplicated and simple. I love it.

When learning about this possible return sooner than we had planned, my eyes teared up and I felt a cramp in my gut. It was as if for a moment my world split and I had to remember that THIS IS NOT MY PERMANENT LIFE and I need to stop thinking of it as such. There’s something else- something is next- and whether I like it or not it is going to happen.

Refocus

I can’t stress enough how much that fall scared me. There have been days as of late where I am sitting with the boys, sniffing their hair while they sit on my lap and we watch cartoons thinking about how I came close to missing this. THIS is what is important. To hell with what anyone else thinks about anything! I came closer than I ever had in my entire life to snuffing out the life as we know it to everyone that has mattered to me. I don’t take that lightly at all.

So now, as we trudge into March- we optimistically look forward to warmer temperatures, family adventures and blooming flowers. I can’t wait for spring and this winter wasn’t even that bad. I have so much to look forward to this year- and I’m excited for the chaos to get going. Besides, I’m actually really looking forward to turning 40 (what is wrong with me) and this being my last hurrah in my 30s is going to be good. Not sure I’d have this same outlook without the accident though. Isn’t life funny?

 

{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

1 Teresa Ritter February 28, 2015 at 11:29 am

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this you’re an inspiration missed you guys love to all take care

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